“Sometimes. there is beauty in the midst of pain. For artists, pain sparks + heightens creativity to a level that’s completely unstoppable.”
There comes a time when writers, prolific writers; be it journalists, novelists… or even poets seem to take a much needed hiatus from their craft of playing around with words. They sit. They wait. They wait for something to move them. Anything. An idea. An experience. A touching story. Whatever the case, they eventually become inspired to take the journey again in creating a masterpiece simply, from words.
Well here I am. Again. I waited. Something pushed me. I prayed. Something moved me. I became inspired. And this — is something that has moved me to write the most needed story in my 27 years thus far. Not only for me — for closure. But for the many women I fight for, each and every day. And no. I am still not a feminist. I. Just. Care.
A KIND OF open letter to you. And by “you”, I mean… you know who you are.
For a year.. I can’t be sure, as though it seemed like a year — you had me on your radar. You wanted me. You were “that guy”. That gentleman, as you presented yourself to be. I was interested. You did what you could to force yourself onto my radar. For a year you were there, in MY background. Making your existence known each and EVERY time your name popped onto my phone. I’m going to let the world know, it was you. You were the one initially interested. Even after approaching you on a very professional level — because I believed in you, and your brand. You initiated personal communication. Although I was too interested, I knew that a guy was not what I needed in my life at the time. No. I was doing me. I was building MY brand. I was focused. I was growing as a woman. And you knew that. You knew that I was healing. You knew that I had recently started recovering from the most horrible experience, ever. A NIGHTMARE. YOU KNEW THAT. But, because of who you “presented yourself to be”, I engaged. I entertained. It was only a little bit. But, I also made it known that I was too, interested.
So you were patient with me. You waited (i’m only guessing, because I question every single thing in this moment). You waited. You waited until I came around — ready for another relationship. So it came. It’s a new year. I’d healed from the previous horrible experience. I WAS READY. And you were there. Still waiting on your official capture. You said so yourself. You got your chance — so you snatched me up. Made me fall. It took 3 months. But you did it. Congratulations! You did it. You somehow proved to me, this intelligent, professionally artistic + brilliant woman — that I could love you. And that you could love me. And all of me. We had our beautiful times. I will not lie in this letter. We had our times — our precious, sentimental moments. I mean, we did fall for each other. We had great times. Great communication. I found myself loving all of you. All of your flaws. And yes, you did too, although it was more so about, your flaws. We connected. We had chemistry that only grew stronger by the day. So many things connected us to each other, not to mention how we in fact, met. And then there was that Jim + Pam love. Do you remember? Our love for Bruce Wayne and all the other crap that connected us to each other. We were ONE. We were a legitimate team.
So, what was it? After it all went South. Was it that I told you I was going to move on, because of your completely flawed traits, that I for a fact, accepted and was patient with? Was it because I told you that I was leaving you? That I deserved better? What was it that I did, to make you hurt me so poorly? In a way that BEAT my last experience you waited so long for me to recover and heal from? You beat that, you know? You beat that. And you will forever be known to me as the worst experience.
I helped you. I believed in you. Even when I decided to split from you, we tried to make it work — because we BOTH stayed. I went further to place you — connect you to MY brand. My brand that has become and has remained successful. I BELIEVED IN YOU — even outside of our fights. One thing I can pride myself for, is believing in you. I always wanted you to succeed in your endeavors because that’s how we first built our relationship. I always had it set in my mind that if we didn’t work out, I would still believe and support you. But you still had to mess that up. You still had to treat me like I was nothing. Like I was just blah. You totally ignored the fact that I am a very powerful woman. It went completely over you head. Well, until I reminded you this one, recent night. You knew that I could end you. And that I can still end you. But no, that ain’t me. That ain’t my problem anymore. Because, Christianity — and my love for Christ — which I THOUGHT was another thing that connected us to each other. I did right by you even after all the hurtful words and the plenty pain you gave me. That’s not my duty to wish bad on you. I would never wish bad on you, even the given circumstances. I washed my hands clean once I discovered everything. And you can call it what you want — but it was always my WOMANLY INTUITION. I never looked for the facts. God gave me everything over a course of one week. You have always been good at setting yourself up. Did you really, as intelligent as you know me to be — did you really think you would ultimately be successful at fooling me?
Here’s what I know. I know that once I finally decided to leave you and move on, is when it hit you: “I’ma be stuck — and single.” Yes. That’s what happened and I’m going to take it to my grave. You loved me. I loved you. There is no doubt there. NO ONE wants to be left, the single one watching their former lover move on and be happy. A damn GOOD woman too. NO ONE WANTS THAT. You got jealous. Every. Single. Time I told you about another guy. Even the day after going on a date, you were on fire. Why? Why? When you had in fact, already moved on? Why give me that hell? If you had moved on — you should have been happy, am I correct, or nah? Why give me that shxt? Further shxt I did not, at no point, deserve.
So go. Be happy. I always wanted the best for you. And you know that. I am a GOOD woman. Good women let go. Good women understand that even though they are as close to perfect as they can be, that some things are just not for them. I always understood that, and was ready to officially let go. You never let me; even though you had moved on and continuously lied about it. So freaking selfish that was of you, you know? A lot of shxt could have been avoided had you just been honest on that one fact, alone that seem to carry itself on for a month, at least. I’m still unsure of the length. One word. Selfish. Two words. Coward. One question that I no longer have the desire to know the answer to: Why?
“You did what made you ‘happy’ at the expense of my emotions. Maybe I understand. But I will never respect it.”
So now we are here. Well you are there. And I am here. Finding closure because you couldn’t be a man — nor a gentleman that your brand claims you to be. I will never view you as such. So go be happy! I don’t hate you. I will never hate you. In fact, I will always love you. Because what we did have, was love. And I was good to you. I don’t know how many times you told me that, but I already knew that specific quality about myself. Because I took that year that you pursued me — to be THIS woman. You may have hurt me, but you did not break me. And you are very aware that when something like this happens to me, I always come back stronger. Each. And. Every. Time. You know this. So please, expect what’s to come.
Because it’s coming.
One thing about open letters, or KIND OF open letters, is that they never need a response — because it’s all truth. You know that these words are real. And quite honestly, you didn’t even deserve this energy from me. But because of my growth. Because of the woman that I am now, I needed to do this. For me. I needed to find a way to forgive you before I officially moved on. I do hope that you listened to our last phone conversation, because you too know, that it was real. You need some time. We both need time. And jumping into something because you’re afraid to be alone, is not the answer. You have to heal, at some point — otherwise, this heavy guilt and your emotions, will be all over the place. And look — because you did this to me, you expedited my emotions to fall out of love and no longer want you. So yes, I will date. I will be happy — but you, my friend, have much more growing up to do. I do wish you well. And… I forgive you. You WILL feel guilt for a long time. That’s a given. But I am glad that I can move forward with you knowing how amazing I am as a human being, but most importantly, as a highly intelligent, educated, kind, funny, understanding, happy, passionate and brilliant woman. You will never forget me.
With me. Self-love. Self-respect. Self-care. Self freaking worth — will ALWAYS win.