Breaking up with someone is never easy – there’s always a sense of sadness that comes with it. However, when it’s your marriage that’s broken down, it’s even more upsetting. Even if you’re no longer in love with each other, separating from someone who you’ve spent years building a life with is never going to be easy. You have every right to be stressed out and upset about things, even if you instigated the break-up.
The problem is that unlike a normal breakup, when you live together, share assets, and have a family; there’s a lot more that needs to be sorted out. It’s not just a case of one of you moving out, and that’s it – there’s a lot more to it than that. You don’t just have yourselves to think of but also your family.
Marital breakdowns are hard for everyone involved. But what it’s important to remember is that if you will be happier for it, separating is the best thing to do. Life is filled with ups and downs – getting divorced will be one of those downs, but that doesn’t mean you’ll always feel down about it. Once you’ve got divorced, have got all the ins and outs sorted, and are getting on with your life, you’ll see that it was worth it.
Part of getting divorced is understanding what the impact will be on yourself and your children. For kids, family breakups are especially difficult. However, what you need to remember is that if it’s what’s best for everyone in the long-run, it’s worth it. To give you an idea of what you can expect from getting divorced, we’ve put together this guide below.
A sense of sadness
It’s completely and utterly normal to feel sadness when breaking up with someone, even if you are no longer happy together. When you’ve been with a person for years and have been through a lot together, including the birth of your children, it’s hard to let go.
The chances are you feel sad about the life that the two of you used to have and upset that your children will no longer get that family lifestyle. However, just because you’re no longer together, that doesn’t mean that your children can’t have a fantastic home life. Family time will be different, but that doesn’t mean that it will be any less enjoyable or memorable.
Of course, your family lifestyle aside, it’s completely normal for the entire family to feel a sense of loss. Even if your children will be seeing their father on a regular basis, that doesn’t mean that they don’t have a right to be sad. In a way, family break-ups warrant a sense of grief, because they mean that family life as you know it will never be the same again.
Can impact your children’s emotions
As well as feeling sad, your divorce can have a big impact on your children’s other emotions. After being told that their parents are separating, a lot of children’s behavior changes. Sometimes they act our in anger, other times it’s with naughty behavior. Either way, what it’s important to remember is that they’re simply trying to get their head around their parents separating. Acting out is completely normal for children whose parents are separating – ask any child therapist.
As it’s normal for kids to act out after finding out that their parents are separating, it’s important to let the people who are closest to them know. For instance, it’s a good idea to contact their school, child-minder, or the parents of any of their closest friends to tell them about your break up. So that should they get upset, angry or do something naughty while with them, they know why. Of course, that’s not to say that bad behavior should be tolerated or encouraged, just that it’s to be expected.
To help your children to deal with your separation in the right way, it might be worth booking them in with a therapist. As that way, should they need to talk things through with someone, they can get how they’re feeling out to someone who’s objective. A lot of children don’t like to talk to their parents about how they’re feeling as they don’t want to upset or anger them. So sometimes, therapy can be the best option.
Divorce can be unsettling
The divorce process isn’t a quick or easy one, working out who gets what can take weeks or even months. So for yourself and your children, the divorce process itself can be incredibly unsettling.
This is especially true if you’re unsure of what assets you will get and who will end up with your family home. More often than not, the parent who has custody of the children gets the family home until the kids leave home. Then, it is sold and profits split between both parents. However, other times, the family home is sold immediately, and both parties buy a new home. Each set of circumstances are different, and it’s important to understand that.
For kids, not knowing what is going to happen can be incredibly frightening. So it’s important to constantly reassure them that everything is going to be fine. By reassuring your children, you can help to make the divorce process a little less upsetting and stressful. Making all of the changes easier to cope with.
You will need to decide who will have the kids when
Custody is never going to be easy to discuss – it can be an upsetting subject. Not only do the custody agreements have to be worked out, but also the child support payments, and which parent will pay them. As a rule of thumb, the parent who has the children less tends to pay child support to the other parent. This is to help support them and ensure that their children have the best life possible.
When it comes to sorting child support payments, this can be incredibly complex and can lead to all sorts of arguments and problems. While some child support agreements are made amicably, other times the process is more complex.
For instance, some fathers state that they are not sure they are the child’s biological father, and so, shouldn’t have to pay child support. In this instance, a paternity test would need to be done. So that before any agreement was made over child support payments, it was clear who the father was. It’s no secret that paternity test price can be high. However, if it will ensure that you receive the correct child support, it’s something that’s worth investing in.
In terms of how much child support should be paid, this depends on how many children you have and what your ex-partner is earning. The court will work out how much should be paid each month for each child. To ensure that the agreement that is made is fair to both parties.
Family life will become happier
Okay, so not straight away, but in time, family life should become happier. The chances are that at first, life will be difficult – your new situation will take some adjusting to. There will be good days, and there will be bad days, but in time, there will be more good days than bad days. You’ll no longer have to worry about daily arguments – family life will become much happier.
Even if you feel like your children will never be happy again, they will be. Right now, they may be sad, angry and upset, but that’s just because they’re hurting. In time, as they learn to adapt to their new life, they’ll get back to being their old, happy selves again. Once your children see that just because you’ve separated from their father that doesn’t mean that life will be bad, they’ll soon adjust.
The most important thing when it comes to making family life happier is still doing all of the things with them that you used to. This means having movie nights, going for fun days out, and taking trips together. The more normal you make life seem, the more quickly they will adjust and learn to enjoy their new life.
The impact that divorce has on family life is huge; there’s no getting away from that. However, just because there will be a time when it’s hard, and everything is up in the air, that doesn’t mean it was a mistake. Because eventually, once your divorce is finalized, you each have your own home, and you know who has the kids when, life will start to get back to normal. Meaning that you and your children will become happier and will start enjoying life again. It might take time, but as the weeks turn into months and the pain from your breakup fades, family life will get back to normal. Believe it or not, you and your children may end up being even happier than you were before. Ask any of your divorced friends, and the chances are that they’ll tell you the same thing.